1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,002 [opening theme music playing] 2 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,895 America, kids are like oysters. 3 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,232 Especially when it comes down to doing homework 4 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:27,235 'cause they like to clam up and pretend like they don't have any. 5 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,945 See, that's why it's the parents' job 6 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,614 to dig 'em out of the mud and get 'em to open up. 7 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,199 Then once you do that, 8 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:36,202 you could be that little bit of grit that get inside the shell, 9 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,413 just irritates them. I like that. 10 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:41,249 'Cause it's the little grain of sand that makes the pearl. 11 00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:42,500 Remember that, America. 12 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:43,710 Oysters… 13 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:45,295 [slurps] 14 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,799 'Cause if you can't put up with the grit… shuck 'em. 15 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,968 We better move, or we're going to be late. 16 00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,344 The teachers ain't going nowhere. 17 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,804 They'll be there when we get there. 18 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,264 Come on, let me finish my dinner. 19 00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:59,017 You know, you don't have to go. Parent night is optional. 20 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,393 Oh, no, I want to go. 21 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,687 I want to find out what you don't want me to know. 22 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,439 That's why I'm going to go. 23 00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:05,982 I'm doing a science project. 24 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,233 Oh, yeah? 25 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,152 Everyone has to make a model insect. 26 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,278 I'm making a dung beetle. 27 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:11,905 What's a dung? 28 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,908 I think it's a topic that can wait till after dinner. 29 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,993 Dung's cow poop, stupid. 30 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,161 [Bernie Mac] Hey, hey, hey. 31 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,163 You can see we're eating dinner, man. Come on. 32 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,956 That's what the beetles do with their dung. 33 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,459 They stick it in their mouth and mash it up 34 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:28,046 [garbled] …that comes streaming out. Mmm. 35 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,425 This boy done messed up my appetite. I'll take my pie in the truck. 36 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:33,551 Stinkin'… 37 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,011 -I want pie. -[Wanda] Stay here 38 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,179 -and eat your dinner. -Okay. 39 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,557 In… in truth, Vanessa is one of my favorite students. 40 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:41,267 Thank you, man. You know what? 41 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,728 I like to think that we do a good job on keeping up on her. 42 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,396 Actually, I have a theory. 43 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,399 I firmly believe that most kids are like oysters. 44 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,277 -Uh, Bernie-- -No, actually, I agree with you, Bernie. 45 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:54,697 I… I think that if anything, Vanessa needs to come out of her shell. 46 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,366 Uh, she does in gymnastics. 47 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,576 And… and that's fine. That's great. 48 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,453 But, you know, I just… 49 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,748 I'd like to see her do something that challenges her mind. 50 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,210 Any suggestions? 51 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,920 Student government? 52 00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:10,463 Uh, no, definitely not. 53 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,548 What you talking about? 54 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,675 Your teacher said you'd make a great class officer. 55 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,468 Okay, why don't I just run for president? 56 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,387 As a suggestion. 57 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:20,640 Or how about one of the lesser offices like class treasurer? 58 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,559 Why don't I just join Mathletes? 59 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,228 Uh, excuse you, Miss Thing. 60 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,939 I was class treasurer of my sophomore year 61 00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:31,693 and by my senior year, I was class president. 62 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:33,486 Yeah, but I'm not like you… 63 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,780 -I can't win an election. -Boo. 64 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,073 What you talking about? 65 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,366 You a Mac. 66 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:40,743 You could do anything you put your mind to it. 67 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,084 [school bell ringing] 68 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,795 No one's going to wear these. 69 00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:52,964 All right, buttons. 70 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:54,757 Can we have some? 71 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:55,842 Sure. 72 00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:58,469 It doesn't matter. 73 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,305 They're just gonna make you throw them away. 74 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,973 Why? 75 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,142 -Ow! -[laughing] 76 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:05,894 Excuse me. 77 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:08,730 Who wants money? 78 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:10,940 I'll take some. 79 00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:12,525 "In Chelsea We Trust." 80 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:13,902 This isn't money. 81 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,278 They're coupons. 82 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,447 They're good for free video games at my dad's arcade. 83 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,157 Score. 84 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:21,951 Want one, Vanessa? 85 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,040 Oh, it's on. 86 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:28,917 It's on. 87 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:30,919 [Bernie Mac] What the hell is that? 88 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:32,503 It's a dung ball. 89 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,504 Isn't it glorious? 90 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:34,631 It's foul! 91 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,382 I know. I added extra stink. 92 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:37,592 What happened to the beetle? 93 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:39,260 I didn't get around to that yet. 94 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,012 You mean to tell me you spent a whole week 95 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,472 -building a pile of-- -[woman] Shh. 96 00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,766 It is time to judge the projects. 97 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,227 Judge 'em? Whoo! 98 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,522 It's a cricket and when you rub its hind legs, it really chirps. 99 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,608 [chirping] 100 00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:54,692 [chirping continues] 101 00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:57,070 It's a walking stick, but it's also a pen. 102 00:03:58,571 --> 00:03:59,948 I made one for everybody. 103 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,244 The spider's body is made from… 104 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,162 Mmm… 105 00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:08,706 -Marzipan. -Marzipan. 106 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,546 [exhales] 107 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,762 Uncle Bernie, can I ask you something? 108 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:24,597 Yeah, Jordan, yeah. 109 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,100 Am I slow? 110 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:37,986 America, is that the saddest thing you ever heard? 111 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,613 The poor kid. 112 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:42,657 He puts his blood, his sweat, 113 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,285 and God knows what else into this… this thing. 114 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:49,914 He brings it here, all proud, and they make him feel like… 115 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,710 like a pile of this. 116 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,341 America, you saw those projects. 117 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,802 Not a single one done by them. 118 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,680 You gonna tell me some 8-year-old made a remote control ladybug? 119 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,307 I don't think so. 120 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,851 America, it's downright shameful. 121 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,519 At least my kids do their own work. 122 00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,813 And they gonna keep on doing their own work. 123 00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:17,525 And if they try to compete and they can't and they get "F"? Well, fine. 124 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:18,735 At least they earned 'em. 125 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,946 And if they try to go to college and they can't get in, that's fine, too. 126 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,448 They can live at home. 127 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,076 Oh, no. 128 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,039 So, Jordan, what is it that you got to make, a monastery? 129 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,374 A Spanish mission for our unit on California history. 130 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,376 Uh-huh. Show me what you got to build. 131 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,587 -I want to build San Luis Obispo. -Uh-huh. 132 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,631 See, it was built in this place called the Valley of the Bears. 133 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:44,177 When the Spanish guys were building it, they kept on getting attacked by bears. 134 00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,721 So I want to have the monks getting eaten by bears, like this… 135 00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,139 Hold, hold, Jordan, Jordan. 136 00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:49,891 Look at this crib. This sharp, man. 137 00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,517 It has a bell tower and everything. 138 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:52,685 A working aqueduct. 139 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,978 What do you say we build this? 140 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,482 Yeah! And can the aqueduct run red with the blood of the infidels? 141 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:02,528 Jordan, you not slow, you're sick. 142 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,073 But I think I like you. 143 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,951 -Um, Uncle Bernie? -Hmm? 144 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,704 I could really use your help on my campaign election. 145 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:13,831 What's the problem, baby? 146 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,292 Okay, well, there's this stupid girl, Chelsea, 147 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,211 and she thinks she's so smart 148 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,046 and, you know, I knew my buttons were whack, 149 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:22,924 but she comes up and says, "Ugh! Those buttons are whack." 150 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:26,636 Oh, and then, she was passing out bills that her dad made. 151 00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,347 Oh… Okay. 152 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:31,015 I see how they want to play. 153 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,809 Don't worry about it, Nessa. 154 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,060 I got your back. 155 00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:37,105 Whatever you need, you let me know. I got you. 156 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,898 -What I need… -Mm-hmm? 157 00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:40,108 …is you. 158 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,652 All right! 159 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,779 Now we're firing on both cylinders. 160 00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,823 See, Bernie Mac gonna school those schools. 161 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,867 See, America, when all the parents started meddling, 162 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,161 they didn't know what they was messing with. Oh, no. 163 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:56,165 See, Bernie Mac may only be an uncle, but I could still bring on the Big Daddy. 164 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,960 I mean the Big Daddy. 'Cause I'm the Mac. 165 00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:00,795 -Son, what you doin'? -[bell rings] 166 00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:01,838 I want to do something. 167 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,464 -You want to do something? -Yeah. 168 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,842 -Go on in the kitchen, get me a pop. -But I want to help. 169 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,302 That helps me. I can't work when I'm thirsty, okay? 170 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,387 [Jordan groans] 171 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,596 Wow. 172 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,099 Ooh, this is really coming along. 173 00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,434 Nice, eh? Real nice. 174 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:15,977 What part did you build, Jordan? 175 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:17,645 Well, nothing yet. 176 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,690 But after Uncle Bernie's done, he's got to let me add these. 177 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,484 See, the Native Americans were always attacking the missions. 178 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:24,819 -Hey, hey, hey. -'Cause then-- 179 00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,028 Jordan! Jordan! 180 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,281 -Look… think you doin'? -Bernie, Bernie. 181 00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:30,408 Baby, it took me hours to put this thing together, 182 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,410 -then Quasimodo come along-- -And what? 183 00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:34,287 Tries to get involved in his own project? 184 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,705 -Kinda, sorta. -Okay, well, 185 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,290 it's his assignment, remember? 186 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,709 Come on, now, let the boy contribute. 187 00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:43,212 Here. 188 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,506 America, my baby's right. 189 00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,675 You know she's right. 190 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:49,427 This is Jordan's project. 191 00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:53,139 But it's my hard work, and the boy's ruined it. 192 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:54,432 Look at this mess. 193 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,642 Look like a P-Funk concert. 194 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,186 The thing was perfect. 195 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,104 It don't need no mother ship connection. 196 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:01,272 It's mine! 197 00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:02,398 All mine! 198 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,025 -[applause] -[Craig] You all know me. 199 00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,026 I'm Craig Sullivan. 200 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,195 I'm running for vice president. 201 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:08,696 Here's my speech. 202 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,824 [cheering] 203 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,577 [roars] 204 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:21,542 Thank you, Mr… Sullivan. 205 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,253 Now, we'll hear from Vanessa Thomkins. 206 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,505 Vanessa? 207 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,423 [light applause] 208 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:29,884 Um… 209 00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:33,429 I'm Vanessa and everybody usually gives a speech, 210 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,224 so I thought I wouldn't do that. 211 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,308 Too late. 212 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:38,726 You had your turn, Mr. Sullivan. 213 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,188 So, I made this. 214 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,696 Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm runnin for class treasurer. 215 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,907 Now, I know that during the course of this election 216 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,617 a lot of people have been asking you 217 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:55,993 how you would improve the school. 218 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,080 But since we can't actually burn it down, 219 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,582 I thought someone should ask the faculty instead. 220 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,709 [Vanessa] Mr. Duff? 221 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,295 Mr. Duff, could I speak with you for a minute? 222 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,880 Yeah, you can speak. 223 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,341 Mr. Duff, how would you improve our school? 224 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,345 [slurred speech] I'm gonna tell you how you improve your school. 225 00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:18,140 You improve your school by having less students. 226 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:19,225 [laughing] 227 00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:21,352 Once you have less students, 228 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:23,688 you improve your school. 229 00:09:25,022 --> 00:09:28,025 [stuttering] Uh, uh, uh, yes, uh… What I always felt 230 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:32,238 what the student needed most was a… a rotunda 231 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,783 where the student government could meet with a huge 232 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:36,951 capital dome. 233 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,203 I've always felt that. 234 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,831 [raspy] I'll tell you how you can improve the school, 235 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,125 more book-working and less horseplay. 236 00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:46,669 This is what horseplay will get you. 237 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:49,589 And you know what? I didn't even see it coming. 238 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,466 [Vanessa] You all know our principal, Mr. Gates. 239 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,011 I want to institute a policy of student principal for a day. 240 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,971 You really think that would improve the school? 241 00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:59,056 Who cares? I just want out of this zoo. 242 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,224 [tires screeching] 243 00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:01,976 [applause and cheering] 244 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:04,979 Simmer down. 245 00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:06,230 Simmer down, people. 246 00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,357 Now that was Vanessa Thom-- 247 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,442 Mac. 248 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:11,485 [applause] 249 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,905 [chanting] Mac! Mac! Mac! 250 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,369 A toast to the winners. 251 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,787 Whoo-hoo! 252 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:24,373 Your dad was so awesome in that video. 253 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,791 Actually, he's my uncle. 254 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,168 Who cares? 255 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,919 We should get him to host the talent show. 256 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,963 -Hey! -I don't know. 257 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,214 Doing it. 258 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,799 I'm vice president. 259 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,511 Talent show? What that got to do with treasurer, baby? 260 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,347 It's a fund-raiser, and we're raising money. 261 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,599 And I don't ever ask you for anything. Please? 262 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:42,975 Oh, look at that baby. 263 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,478 Already in office one day, she use her political muscle. 264 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:46,854 Oh, honey, just do it. 265 00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,690 Okay. And I'll give you the whole Mac attack, baby. 266 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:50,900 I mean, all of it. 267 00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:52,401 Oh, yeah, baby. 268 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,695 Please don't act like that when we get there. 269 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:10,503 Well, this is impressive! 270 00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:13,798 Jordan, are those real tiles? 271 00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:15,758 I… I think I can field that end. 272 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,259 They're Lee Press-On Nails. 273 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,929 Bringing the Projects to the project. 274 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,390 Actually, this isn't the original roof. 275 00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:24,100 -Sure it is. -Uh-uh. 276 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,601 Yes, it is. I only built one roof. 277 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,520 I mean, together. 278 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,022 I'm talking about the real mission. 279 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:33,442 The mission in San Diego actually had three roofs in its history. 280 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,570 The first was made out of wood, like this. 281 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,280 Ah! Now when did you make that? 282 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,199 I've had a lot of spare time. 283 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:41,951 Be careful, Jordan. 284 00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,787 Actually, the Native Americans didn't like the monks, 285 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,164 because they tried to convert them to Christianity 286 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,375 and make them learn Spanish and other atrocities. 287 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,710 Why you looking at me when you say that? 288 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,921 So one night, they attacked the mission. 289 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:56,048 But they soon found out 290 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,926 that they were no match for the Spanish firearms. 291 00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:01,053 Jordan… 292 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,348 That's when they torched the roof. 293 00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:05,766 Jordan, Jordan, Jordan! 294 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,226 -Ha-ha! -Jordan, Jordan! 295 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,477 [screaming] 296 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,229 [laughing maniacally] 297 00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:12,606 ♪ Fire ♪ 298 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,658 Whoa! Ahhh! 299 00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,743 [children screaming] 300 00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,712 I'm down here, America. 301 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:36,255 Yoo-hoo. 302 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,632 Right here. 303 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,468 How you like that? 304 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:44,263 America, I break my back for those doggone kids, 305 00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:45,556 and what's they thanks? 306 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,057 They break my back. 307 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,350 Well, that's it. 308 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,477 You think I'm playing? 309 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,686 You mark my words: 310 00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:54,523 I will never, ever do nothing for those kids. 311 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,611 Oh, God. 312 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,697 Nessa's talent show tonight. 313 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,699 America, I got to… 314 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,452 Help me up. Help me up. 315 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,080 Wanda, ain't no way. I can't go, I can't do it, I can't do it. 316 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,584 Oh, I want to die. I really, really want to die. 317 00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,504 Nessa, you know I'm not playing. You know I'd do anything for you. 318 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,588 If I could, I would. 319 00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:19,548 I took four pain pills, they ain't working. 320 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,884 [sighs] Everybody's going to hate me. 321 00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:25,262 Sweetie, do you want me to come with you for moral support? 322 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,348 [Vanessa moans] 323 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:28,432 I'm sorry, honey. 324 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,268 Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on. 325 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:32,770 Are you kidding? You're kidding. 326 00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,063 Tell me you're kidding. 327 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,982 Because if you're not kidding, this is so not good. 328 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:40,611 Oh, my God. 329 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:41,737 It's so not good. 330 00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,365 Look, uh, I'd leave town if I were you, 331 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,867 'cause when people find out there's no Bernie Mac, 332 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,160 they're going for your throat. 333 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,453 Craig. 334 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:52,414 What? It's the only reason people voted for her. 335 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,333 Shut up, Sully. 336 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:56,919 All right, all right. 337 00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:58,671 Sully has left the building. 338 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,846 Well, I guess I should tell the people. 339 00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,391 Don't worry, Vanessa. I'll handle it. 340 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,146 All right, let's have a round of applause for Ian here. 341 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,147 Thank you, Ian. 342 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:20,860 Brittany, do you really think that's the only reason people voted for me? 343 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:21,986 Completely. 344 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:24,697 But only a jerk like Craig would say it to your face. 345 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,032 [audience booing] 346 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,622 Uncle Bernie, I brought you a drink. 347 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,544 Oh, Jordan. Thank you, son. 348 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,005 Mmm. 349 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,469 Jordan, I'm sorry about your project. 350 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,597 But you learned a lot, didn't you? 351 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,393 Jordan, I am so proud of you. 352 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,478 Wow. 353 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,772 Uncle Bernie, I like you on painkillers. 354 00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:01,525 Yeah? 355 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:02,651 I'm nicer, huh? 356 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:05,905 [pills rattle] 357 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,741 Hey… I love you. 358 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,784 I feel good, America. 359 00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,329 Doctor gave me a subscription. 360 00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,666 Mmm, actually, America, I feel kind of bad. 361 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:20,628 I let Nessa down. 362 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,464 I wish there was something I could do. 363 00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:32,973 Wait, there is, America. 364 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,059 Don't worry. 365 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,645 The Mac Man ain't operating no heavy machinery. 366 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,857 Excuse me, America, I got to make a phone call. 367 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,610 I got… 368 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,404 I got it. 369 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:56,747 Hey, kid. 370 00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,415 How you holding up? 371 00:15:58,791 --> 00:15:59,959 Mmm. 372 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,711 I brought someone who wants to meet you. 373 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,382 Your uncle called in some reinforcements. 374 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,509 Oh, my gosh. 375 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,971 Nessa, this is India.Arie. 376 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,307 Hi. 377 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,060 You're such a pretty chocolate chip. 378 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,605 I hear it's a tough crowd out there. 379 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,488 Well, do you think they'd mind if I sing? 380 00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,616 We going to get 'em. I got your back. 381 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:37,246 [audience grumbling] 382 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,415 All right, fine, I couldn't get Bernie Mac. 383 00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:40,791 [audience boos] 384 00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:43,419 But I did get someone better than Bernie Mac. 385 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,587 So give it up for India.Arie. 386 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,090 [grumbling] 387 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,050 Sorry, India, I guess they don't want you. 388 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,762 [audience gasping] 389 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:59,351 [applauding and cheering] 390 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,233 This is for my girl Vanessa. 391 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,364 Let me tell you why I love him. 392 00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:15,868 ♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪ 393 00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,203 ♪ Said he is so real ♪ 394 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,914 ♪ And I love the way ♪ 395 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,834 ♪ That he makes me feel ♪ 396 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:28,505 ♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪ 397 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:30,841 ♪ Then I must be fly ♪ 398 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:34,887 ♪ Because his light, it shines So bright, I wouldn't lie ♪ 399 00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:39,558 ♪ I remember the very first day That I saw him ♪ 400 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:45,606 ♪ I found myself immediately Intrigued by him ♪ 401 00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:49,985 ♪ It's almost like I knew this man From another life ♪ 402 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,238 ♪ Like back when maybe I was his husband ♪ 403 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,199 ♪ Maybe he was my wife ♪ 404 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,660 ♪ And even the things I don't like about him ♪ 405 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,412 ♪ Are fine with me ♪ 406 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,582 ♪ 'Cause it's not hard for me To understand him ♪ 407 00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:06,335 ♪ 'Cause he's so much like me ♪ 408 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:11,507 ♪ And it's truly my pleasure To share his company ♪ 409 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,884 ♪ And I know that it's God's gift ♪ 410 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,720 ♪ To breathe The air he breathes ♪ 411 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,014 ♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪ 412 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,517 ♪ Said he is so real ♪ 413 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,144 ♪ And I love the way ♪ 414 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,688 ♪ That he makes me feel ♪ 415 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,819 ♪ And if I am A reflection of him ♪ 416 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,779 ♪ Then I must be fly ♪ 417 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:38,784 ♪ Because his light It shines so bright, oh… ♪ 418 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,036 Oh, I still can't believe it. 419 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,497 Oh, my God. She was so cool. 420 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,040 Well, congratulations, Nessa. 421 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,834 Sounds like it was a huge success, huh? 422 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:47,960 Yeah, it was. 423 00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:49,503 Come and tell me, come on. 424 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,714 I just wish I had something to do with it. 425 00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,508 What you talking about? 426 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,053 Oh, come on, it's not like I could have called up Inda.Arie. 427 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,180 Face it, Uncle Bernie, that was all you. 428 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,432 Okay, okay, maybe it was me, 429 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:06,061 but, baby, you still got the tools to be great in student government. 430 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,896 Yeah, but I'm not great at it now, 431 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,815 and I don't really like it. 432 00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,943 It's not my thing, and that's why I'm quitting. 433 00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:15,154 Come on, now, Nessa. What do you mean, "quitting"? 434 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,905 You're a Mac. We don't quit at nothing. 435 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,033 Baby, give me one reason why you should quit. 436 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:22,411 Uh, honey, I think she just gave you three. 437 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,580 All right, Nessa, listen. 438 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,957 The reason we encourage you, 439 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,001 because you got so much potential, sweetheart. 440 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:31,587 We try to give you something that you can believe in yourself. 441 00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,589 Oh, I do believe in myself. 442 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:37,050 And I know that I don't want to hang out with dorks like Sully. 443 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,262 But I do want to hang out with people like India.Arie. 444 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,682 That's what I believe, okay? 445 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,226 Okay, Nessa. 446 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,109 -Wow. -Good night. 447 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,405 Wanda, maybe we can do-- 448 00:19:58,488 --> 00:19:59,489 You know what? 449 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,617 I think we should let her find her own thing. 450 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,661 -Might be right. -Mm-hmm. 451 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,830 I believe Wanda's right. 452 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:10,751 Kids really do find their own way, in their own time. 453 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:11,835 We did. 454 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,879 And if they're gonna learn, they're gonna learn 455 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,298 whether we poke 'em or prod 'em or not. 456 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:17,758 I mean, look at Jordan. 457 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:20,010 All that stuff he learned about Spanish monks 458 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,596 and dung beetles and all that without me. 459 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,514 Hell, in spite of me. 460 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,642 And you know, maybe kids aren't oysters. 461 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,603 Maybe kids are the pearls. 462 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,230 Think about it. 463 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,731 [Vanessa] ♪ Said he is so real ♪ 464 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,902 ♪ And I love the way ♪ 465 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,571 ♪ That he makes me feel ♪ 466 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:45,035 ♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪ 467 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,537 ♪ Then I must be fly ♪ 468 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:51,458 ♪ Because his light, it shines So bright, I wouldn't lie… ♪ 469 00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:55,337 I take that back, America. 470 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,506 That's not a pearl. 471 00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:58,924 That's a diamond. 472 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,884 A diamond in the rough. 473 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,719 [singing continues] 474 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:03,804 Listen to that. 475 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:07,724 ♪ It's almost like I knew This man from another life ♪ 476 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,226 I never knew that. 477 00:21:09,309 --> 00:21:12,729 ♪ Maybe I was his husband Maybe he was my wife… ♪ 478 00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,273 I never knew that. 479 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,942 [singing continues] 480 00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,443 You go, girl. 481 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,869 Shoot. 482 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,671 [chuckling] 483 00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:38,797 Fresh. 484 00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,928 [crew laughing] 485 00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:50,892 [man] Yummy!